Wow it has been a while since I have posted!  Not that anyone reads my site . . . Just a place to clear my mind when nothing else will work.  Amazing how it has been so long, that the timing between my last post and this one coincides with my being at Baylor dealing with a particular situation, and that now, this my most recent post, happens when that same situation crops up again when I thought that I was rid of it. 

Amazing that for so long I tried to think that there had been good gained from this particular situation, but that now, I can see that there was WAY more bad that came out of it.  Strange.  Of the things that I would like to do over, if I knew then what I know now, this would be one such situation.  Sad to say that because so much good now, has roots then.  Oh well, if I could do it over again and I could choose to do that in such a way that everything now could change, except the existence of this person in my memories, then I would most definitely do it.  For example, if I could erase my memories of this person and erase this person from all memories, I believe that I would be much better off today than I am.  And not today as in forever, but just today as in 11/17/05, just today . . . .

And, if anyone from my past is reading this, it is not the situation that a certain person, who knows who she is, is thinking.  Her situation is totally different, I regret that we could not remain friends, she was, and still is, I am sure, a totally great and fun person to be around, but there were too many situational factors that were getting in the way.  We were at two very very very different places in our lives at that point.  However, I believe that everyone has probably benefitted from that situation as it is, I would undo it if I could, but only under the conditions that we both know that it could have gotten better if we had both just listened more closely to what we were saying underneath all of the words we spoke. 

Anyway, I loved Baylor and my experiences there, in fact parts of me want to run screaming back there to go to school, because the university that I am at currently is not really my style, but I am learning and growing here, which is really what is important.  Most of me would like for this one particular situation to have never happened, but there is no cure for naievete (i know that isnt right, leave me alone), except for maturity and the commitment for it to never repeat itself, which, so far, hasnt happened (quick, knock on some wood). 

Anyhow, if I could talk to that person again, which I would die before I did, and I am sure that she would as well, I would probably not say anything, but attempt to hurt her physically as much as she hurt me emotionally.  She was such a cold cold cold hearted B***H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WOW that actually makes me feel a little better, to say what she really was instead of what I wanted her to be!!!!  Now she is just a lemming, poor poor poor lemming, at least I can let my mind rest now.  Maybe just a little day dreaming of what I would have liked to do to her . . . . .

Hmmm, If I knew where she lived then I could go and put things near her apartment or maybe on her precious truck that would tell everyone about the person she really is instead of the person she is trying to be.  I could also publish an anonomous letter to her coworkers that would tell some choice bits about her past that of course were totally made up because she would never have the cajones to do what I would propose for her to do.   hehehehehehheheheh  This makes me giddy!!!! 

Oh well, enough day dreaming, I would never do those things because that would mean stooping to her level, so instead they will just float up out of my head and leave my body so that maybe, just maybe, some vengeful spirit or what not will find them and make them happen for me, and then come tell me about it, no no no, that was day dreaming again.  Sigh . . . . . .

Goodnight all, it is time for class and a nice book to distract distasteful thoughts!!!!

okay, attempt number two to post something new!!!  Grrrr is all i have to say for the moment. . . . . . . .

There are so many things in life to wonder about.  So many things that could have gone a different way.  I was just thinking the other day about how much all of our lives have changed.  A friend of mine became a father on the 10th and it is just astounding.  I still remember him as a freshman . . . . . so long ago, so much has transpired, but one thing still nags me, one question really . . . Why?

I know that is a vague question, but it is a vague situation. 

I am getting married in less than 7 months to the most wonderful man in the world.  A man who takes my breath away.  A man who is the perfect balance to me, but as i look back on some other men that i have liked, one thing still bothers me and makes me ask the question why. 

Actually, it is quite simple, it is a question about a statement made almost 3 1/2 years ago.  This statement was said to me by someone i greatly admired, someone who, at that time, took my breath away.  He said to me that i would be bad for him.  For some reason this has nagged me for years.  Mostly it was worse before i met my fiance, but at the moment, it seems, for whatever reason, to be nagging me again.  I want to know why this was said.  Now i realize that I will probably never know, but this is different . . . . It makes me wonder if i would have been different, if i would have had different experiences, if he would have had different experiences. I know that everything happens for a reason and i am not saying that i take anything from the past 3 1/2 years back, well maybe  . . . but i am not asking this question to get the answer to those questions, rather i am asking this question to get the answer to those questions that i had then.  Those questions that, as i would sit and listen to him talk to my friends and not to me, I wanted to ask him so badly . . . .

I doubt he would or could give me an answer now.  I am not even sure that he remembers, but I do . . . I will always remember.  There are so many special people in our lives who never know that they are special . . . .

If I could have told him then what i wanted to tell him I believe that things would still have turned out the way they have.  One reason being the strength of character and will this man has, which, since he is human has lapsed, but for the most part, since i have known him he has been a person with strong convictions who sticks by his word. 

Should i have been more clear then, more bold, more brazen, telling this man what i thought, risk the rejection?  But then, wouldnt it have been easier that way?  I didnt choose to do it that way, i chose to be silent to keep my feelings at bay as best i could, but when you simply walk by someone and you have to lean on your friend to keep going, how can you ignore that?  How can you ignore the "sexual tension" as our professor announced to the whole class?  How can i ignore now the fact that this man distracts me so much that i cannot look at him, cannot see him looking at me, that i can hardly speak to him without . . . remembering. 

Maybe it was the innocence of those days, the newness of everything.  Maybe it will fade with time, but I think that if there were one thing now that i would want more than some it would be to be able to let go, to get on with my life, but to be friends, better friends . . . but just friends. 

But i am afraid that will not happen, for more reasons than i can write here.  But one of these days, if he should see a book written by me, do not be surprised to find yourself hidden in those pages.  For now you are relegated to the realm of fantasy, to the realm where much and many of the people and places of my early college days reside, but if this should ever reach you, if you should ever guess how much an answer would mean, dont hesitate. 

But know that life will go on, that as pathetic as i sound now, here, in this moment, that it is just a small bump on my road of life, that i will gain the strength to carry on, even if you are just in my mind.  I will carry on, and carry with me the "lessons" of those days!

Currently Watching Stargate SG-1 Season 4 Boxed Set By Richard Anderson see related

Seems like some things never change.  Many times i have been confronted with a problem, one which i cannot hope to solve without someone (including myself) getting hurt in some way.  I am reading this book about female aggression and how many times it is not open or identifiable as such but is none the less devistating.  Much female aggression, mainly an attempt to control people for personal gain, is something that pretty much every young girl in late elementary and middle school will face.  The author of the book says that most friendships at that age are only modeled on adult relationships and that as time passes everyone learns that friendship is something much more than controlling someone for the benefit of oneself. 

I have to agree with the author that at least once in every woman's life she was the victim of some sort of friendship abuse, but i wonder how far things can go sometimes.  It just makes me think of those years of vulnerability for me.  The age when we are all so ready for friendship but dont have the skills to possibly have a meaningful relationship.  Dont get me wrong, female aggression as i see it is mainly a middle class/white phenomenon, but there are exceptions. 

Oh well, for all those who i was ever an aggressor to i deeply apologize, except for one incidence my senior year in high school, to which i have no regrets, but that is another story.  I think the most valuable thing that i will get from reading this book, besides the 6 extra credit points, will be that i need to learn how to forgive those who aggressed against me, because, as the author notes, and as i know from personal experience, those people are still affecting me today. 

Time has come again for school.  There is an amazing amount of knowledge to be absorbed, digested and then regurgitated before the end of my last fall semester as an undergrad.  So much has happened in the small amount of time.  The transition from young adulthood to full-blown adulthood has been a roller coaster of ups and downs, backwards and upside-downs.  But counting all that i have gained from this, i believe it to be the best time in my life.  Not for the "good times" well remembered or the good friends who might fade, but for the themes of learning running through out all that i have experienced. 

While i cannot say that i have gained more than i have lost, i believe that i lost things i didnt need while gaining things that i will need for the future.  A sort of balancing of the equation.  It happens in nature all the time, why not for me?

Oh well, i will go and read my damn assignment for my class!

C

well, i have another xanga site already, but it is more for my up coming wedding.  I needed a place to post things that i randomly think about.  Not that anyone will read them necessarily but just to keep the thoughts from running in circles inside my head. 

Ever lost ( i use this term loosely, she isnt lost, i chased her off) a friend and wondered if it would have been better to keep them around?  I have thoughts like that all the time.  I wonder if i should have allowed things to slowly fizzle away, instead of purposely hurting one that i loved so much and for so long.  I think in the end, regardless of my method, it has worked out for both of us.  I have no way of verifying that on her end, but i at least hope that is the case. 

Thinking back to when she and i first met, i can honestly say that i fell in love with her.  Who wouldnt though.  If you knew her you would have too.  Becasue of that, i spent the proceeding two years wrapped up in her world, much to the detriment of my own. 

I also think about how inspired i was by her when i first met her.  No one, not even my fiance inspires me like that.  Dont get me wrong, i love him more than i have ever loved her, but they are such different loves.  I should just be grateful that i was able to have such a special person in my life.  She taught me so much without ever knowing it.  She taught me who i am, to never back down from a challenge.  Indirectly, she taught me that you can be smart but combine that with hard work and you get the killer combination and a great GPA boost. 

I wish i could tell her all of these things, but i fear that if i were to do this then it would only cause both of us more hurt.  Let her think that she is little miss perfect bible beater.  Let her think that i am the child of the devil.  No matter what she ends up thinking, as long as i know in my heart, that until the end, when i became desperate for a way out, i gave it my all; i tried with all of my being, i gave up my soul to try and keep things as they were.  That is probably the biggest lesson in my life.  That no matter how things seem, give it time, it will change, whether for the better or for the worse. 

I think more than anything, the person i want back in my life as a friend, is the person she could have been not the person she is.  The person she is is not someone that i am compatible with at all, she is too weak and self-centered, too classically, sickeningly sterotically woman.  But i do love that part of her that she shared with me for a while.  That part that played a role in allowing me to meet my fiance and to learn as much as i have from her. 

In the end it is better the way it is.  I have never been happier or more ready to marry the man of my dreams.  From the bottom of my heart i thank **** for all that she helped me do.  I know some day she will get what she deserves, and maybe she will find a friend who is a special to her as she was to me. 

Carrie